There's no rule book when it comes to sex—as long as it's consensual and you feel comfortable, that's all that matters. But your first time can be nerve-wracking as HELL. How bad does it hurt? Will it be a life-altering experience? How do you know which hole to put it in?!? Here are 13 things I wish I had known before I lost my virginity, wrapped up and tied with a bow for your educational pleasure.
To be clear, I was in no way making him chase me. I was warm and responsive. I was letting him lead and extremely responsive to that. If he wrote me, I wrote him, if he said love you, I said love you too. If he called, I called him back. If he did something for me, I would call and thank him. As to having time… I was responsive to his calls (clear about when I had plans, but would schedule a specific time), had time for 2-3 hour calls when he was out of town, and made time while I was on the other side of the world. I had also been very clear I was super excited to see him, even freeing up a possible 10 days for us to spend time and get to know each other.
Talking about specific sexual acts can be uber-intimidating. “It’s oftentimes easier to talk about attributes or objects—how sexy a piece of underwear is, or that you really like his beard stubble,” says Neustifter. So start with descriptive statements of what turns you on about him. Most people like to be complimented. Plus, it’s almost impossible to flop when you’re telling him how much his body excites you.
Ever notice that your man looks a little different on warm days? His testicles have a built-in thermostat that causes them to rise and fall according to the outside temperature. Hot out? They’ll be hanging low. Chilly? They’ll retreat back into the warmth of his body. So don’t be surprised if your guy appears, ahem, more ample in July than in December.
1. Understand why things have changed. Blame it on evolution: The biological mission of life is to reproduce life. Over the eons, humans evolved to take full advantage of their reproductive opportunities. That's why young men are hot to trot. After age 50 or so, however, the nervous system becomes less excitable, and erotic urgency cools. At a certain point, even once-randy billy goats may have this inconceivable thought: Gee, I don't want to — I'm not turned on.
Like I said in #2: having a little space in your relationship is healthy. And so is having things that you do on your own. Even if you just want to spend all Saturday afternoon reading by yourself, if that’s what nurtures you, that’s what’s right for the relationship. The right guy won’t have any problem with that, and in fact will be glad that you’re so independent.
I was in a situation that still confuses me. Maybe you can help. I know long distance is hard, but I was in one for 4 months. I showed up great – warm, joyous, playful. We had seen each other 3 times and were planning on a visit at the holidays. Due to previous things that were planned for both of us – international travel and grad school exams, we knew it would be 8 weeks to see each other. He travelled and we spoke 4 times over 12 days for 2-3 hours, just having fun. When he got back, he called 10 times in 6 days, emailed, texted, and wrote me a letter about what an amazing influence I was and how we had this great chemistry. He started saying “love you” at the end of a few calls, and I said “love you too”, but never initiated it as I knew we were falling and needed to see each other. I went on an international vacation for 2 weeks and common times to talk were difficult (and I was having fun). We spoke twice by Skype with him asking when we could speak again. We scheduled a third and I emailed him once or twice telling him what fun stuff was happening and wishing him well on his studying. The last call he was late for, which it felt dispointed as I had asked if he just wanted to talk when I was home and he insisted we set up a time. I only said it once, he apologized and we let it go.
Yes, the clitoris is the obvious place to focus your attention. Still, many men do wrong by it. “Direct stimulation of the clitoris can actually be painful,” says Cathy Winks, author of The Good Vibrations Guide to the G-spot. “It’s much better to rub the clitoral hood [where the tops of the labia meet] or to rub along the side of the clitoris than it is to go straight for the head of it.”
Confront any issues that are holding you back from enjoying oral pleasure and then invite him to go down more often. Guys love seeing women in the throes of pleasure, so it is up to you to discover how you are most able to get aroused and experience climaxes so you can then share that pleasure with him. A fully satisfying sex life is possible for everyone. You just need to take the time and energy to focus on your own pleasure. You are worth it!
4. Be patient — with yourself and with her. Sex therapists have a saying: "What young men want to do all night takes older men all night to do." Reframe that truism just a bit, however, and you discover a boon to older sex: A perennial complaint of younger women has to do with young men who rush into genital play before the woman feels warmed up and receptive. An older man's slower pace of arousal dovetails nicely with what women prefer, enhancing erotic compatibility. So before either of you reaches for your partner's undercarriage, cuddle and kiss playfully: Use slow, sensual massage to touch each other all over, from scalp to toes. After 30 minutes or so, she's likely to feel sufficiently aroused to enjoy genital play. (And chances are good that you will, too.)
In terms of marketing, I was someone who loved helping people with their relationships years before I ever charged a penny for it. So I appreciate that you like that I’m original and authentic in my work because the marketplace is filled with people who just want to sell you stuff (and the stuff they sell is recycled garbage – they don’t care if it helps or not, so long as their buyers don’t refund it en masse.) So thank you for that comment.
If you enjoyed learning these ways to arouse your man, but want a true sex masterclass, then you should check out this video that will teach you how to give your man perfect oral sex. Want to learn how to talk dirty to your man to build massive amounts of sexual tension and turn him on? This powerful instructional video will show you exactly what to do.
I want to feel you on top of me – It’s one of the dirty things to say to your man that is guaranteed to get a strong reaction from him. Every guy wants their women to tell them what they dream of doing with their partners. They want women to share their fantasies and share them everything they feel for them. Telling him this phrase will surely blow his mind. He will be surprised to see a new you. Show him your wild side and make him yours forever.
How do couples strike this tricky balance? By allowing each partner to have what he calls "separate sexuality," or a sex life that doesn't include (or betray) the other. "For him, that might mean allowing his wife to use sex toys or letting other men look at her," Dr. Kort says. "For her, it might be permitting him to watch pornography in order to experience a fantasy." Such indulgences help maintain the balance of desire and devotion for both parties, so talk to your partner outside of the bedroom and see if this is something one (or both of you) might be interested in.
One of the top ways to rile a partner up is to tap into the feeling they most strongly associate with arousal. “Some people need to feel safe in order to be turned on. Others want to feel challenged. Some need to feel sexy or desire. Others want to feel a little frightened. Find out how she likes to feel and intensify those feelings,” says Dr. Jess, Astroglide’s resident sexologist.
If you’re not comfortable with vulgar dirty talk, then don’t do it. If you’re forcing something that doesn’t feel comfortable for you, then it’s not going to come off as sexy. If anything, he’s going to feel the awkwardness and it’ll ruin the moment for the both of you. In other words, test out dirty talking with your man and see what makes you feel sexy and what crosses your own personal boundaries.
There are plenty of ways to expand your oral sex repertoire, and you should always be looking to add new moves and mix things up. For starters, trying lying perpendicular to her body and stroking her clitoris with your tongue in a horizontal motion, rather than up and down. She’ll appreciate the change in stimulation, hopefully enough to return the favor.
There are multiple ways that you can position your body in order to perform the best oral sex. Tip #11: The way that most people envision giving oral is with the woman on her knees. This allows for your man to use his lower body to push and pull while you use your mouth. The longer that you do it, the more tired your knees are going to get, and your neck will tire also if you are on the shorter side. Tip #12: Let him be on top. You know when you sixty-nine? Most women are on top, allowing for them to control the oral sex being performed on the man. Feeling a little more daring? Let him be on top. Remember when I said to make sure that you get your throat in shape? This is a really good position to allow him to slide all the way down. Make sure you have some way of letting him know (other than biting him of course) if you can't breathe or need to take a break. Allowing him to be on top gives him the feeling it would if you were having sex, but it is a lot more sensual and kinky. If you allow him to control the speed and the depth, it may be hard on you if you are not used to it, but boy-oh-boy does it give him the best oral sex ever! Tip #13: Lay on the bed while he is standing at the end of the bed. This is a little hard on his end because he will need to bend his knees or lean into the bed, but it gives the same effect as if he was on top while performing oral. This position allows him a sense of control (many men totally dig that) and allows him to slide down your throat a lot more easily. Tip #14: The old-fashioned way of performing oral is with your man laying down while you are straddling him and conducting business. There are pros and cons to this method. The pro to this position is that you have the control and can use all of the tips (yes, pun intended) you want to. The downside is that you can't quite get the depth. This is a great position if you have a bad gag reflex because you can control how far your head goes down. The other downside is if he is getting ready to climax, you are more likely to pull away and he will not get the full effect of good oral sex.
At some point, he will ask himself: Is this the woman I want to commit myself to? The answer will determine whether the relationship deepens or ends. Do you know how a man decides a woman is girlfriend or wife material? Do you know what inspires a man to want to commit? If not, you need to read this article next: The #1 Things Men Desire in a Woman
I have had a lot of female relationship coaching clients who, in their 20s and in their first serious relationship, pretty much gave up all friendships and interests for a guy. It wasn’t like he asked her to do it, but it’s a common thing. And when you get older, this pattern continues. If this describes you, it’s important to understand that one of the best ways to discover how to make a man fall in love with you is to be independent and keep on doing the things you love with the people you care about.
To keep him deeply attracted to you, you need to be sure that the dirty little things you say to him are both authentic , and coming from a place of sexual and emotional confidence. Talking dirty can build sexual tension, be an incredible way to stoke the fires of a lackluster relationship, or even take a new relationship to a whole new level of sexual intimacy, but if you just talk the talk without walking the walk, these phrases will fall flat. They won’t be effective.
When you put all your energy into hearing what he’s saying, you are actually listening on two levels: on the first, you’re hearing his words, but you’re also taking in what he’s communicating nonverbally. And since 60-80% of our communication is nonverbal, this is incredibly important to pick up on, especially if you want to learn how to make a man fall in love with you madly.
I enjoy reading your articles. I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year. We dated before 6 years ago and the reason we stopped dating is because he said I was pushing for something he wasn’t ready for. I didn’t realize I was pushing. He’s saying now like he said before, he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now, he’s too busy. But yet he’s still interested. He has said things to me like, “I’ve been thinking about you a lot and there’s nothing I can do about”, “We are more than just friends”, and then he pulls away again. It’s been an emotional roller coaster ride with him. He lives an hour away, we only text once a week or so, and only see each other every 2 or 3 months. We get frustrated with each and have arguments but still want to see each other so there’s something there. We are both Scorpios so I’ve been reading articles about 2 Scorpios being in a relationship and reading your articles. I’ve tried very hard not to seem “pushy” and realize the relationship is what it currently is. But how long do I have to wait for him to want to see me more? What should I say to him?
4. Be Yourself. Don’t say something to him that you don’t actually feel or you would never actually say. He will sense the inauthenticity and be turned off. When you talk dirty to him you should be having fun too! What you say should be a natural expression of your most free, and confident sexual self. If you don’t feel comfortable saying, “I want to fuck you so hard,” don’t say it. Maybe saying something like, “Your big biceps make me want to take off your shirt and blindfold you with it.” That Might be more your style. Just go with what feels natural, and comfortable. You might also start off with a phrase that is more timid and build his and your confidence to talk dirty over time. What feels comfortable today may change as you become more accustomed to talking dirty.
Please your man in bed with attitude because a woman who knows what she wants can be a very sexy woman indeed. I have a friend called Sandra, we met at school. She has learnt that when she and her boyfriend are in bed together, he loves it when she shows a sexy attitude towards him. He knows that they share a special bond because he trusts her when she shows her sexy side to him. It's nice that she can relax and be sexy for him because she feels safe and confident in his company. They are a really strong couple; Sandra says it is because they give each other the confidence to be themselves in the bedroom. Having the right attitude is a very powerful personality trait to have and he will love this powerful attitude that you show.
Psychologist and couple therapist Dr Debra Campbell-Tunks has helped people for over a decade with everything from panic to depression, relationships and parenting problems. Prior to psychology Debra taught yoga and meditation, so mindfulness remains a cornerstone of her work in mental health and couple relationships. Her research has been published in psychological journals in Australia and the USA. Debra and her free eBook for creating better relationships Hot Devotion can be found online at http://www.drdebracampbell.com/
Tip #2: The Crew of Two. If you're on a mission to meet guys, stick to one wing woman. Adam says, "Guys are terrified to approach big groups of girls," and we can understand that. Additionally, while hanging with your guy friends is fun, you might want to leave them at home for a ladies' night once in a while. Men will avoid approaching you if you're with a guy, since "it's a man's worst nightmare to approach a girl and learn that it's her boyfriend standing right next to her."
Affiliate Disclosure: There are links on this site that can be defined as affiliate links. This means that I may receive a small commission (at no cost to you) if you purchase something when clicking on the links that take you through to a different website. By clicking on the links, you are in no way obligated to buy.